It has been almost 5 years since I examined the potential for the world imagined in the SNES classic, Chrono Trigger to serve as an unconventional model for monarchy (an essay which was featured in LD50 Gallery’s book of “2005-2017 miscellany of reactionary and neoreactionary writing”). Yet, nearly 18 years have passed since I last immersed myself in an actual game of Chrono Trigger. Doing so has been bittersweet. One of the more immediate consequences has been to reignite the abnormally romantic and sentimental yearning I have for some of the women in Chrono Trigger. Yes, I admit it. I have the capacity to develop crushes on 16-bit, pixelated video game characters. I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds idealized traits and attractive qualities in high functioning sprites, qualities which I’m able to analyze, visualize, and project as though they are as real as a dream. Anyway, I don’t care what you think. I don’t give a fuck. This is for people with imagination, and those who are capable of experiencing psychic love (even if it is one-sided.) Feel free to barf and/or read on as I consider these pixelated vixes as romantic interests, weighing the pros and cons.
Aside from the part about her being a princess, Marle “embodies” the ideal woman I would be attracted to and—at least temporarily—compatible with. It’s hard to even know where to start. She’s cute and clever and has an appreciation for gallantly romantic and casually chivalrous gestures. She’s not exactly brainy, but she’s smart enough to offer stimulating conversation. Marle’s funny and playful and mischievous enough to always keep you guessing. Even though she’s a tad bratty and little on the bossy side, you can tell she has a huge heart and the ability to steal yours. Described as “tomboyish” (by 1000AD standards), with her blonde ponytail and casually sexy outfits, she’s actually brimming with tender femininity, like that hottie you see shopping in her pajamas at Target. She’s pretty and likable, and I make sure to keep her with me in my party the entire game. I’ve always thought was hot when Marle “slaps her ass” as she performs her “Provoke” tech. In fact, I would impregnate her without thinking twice about it. That brings me to the one downside though. Since she’s a princess, dating her would come with a lot of familial obligations and responsibilities. It’s bad enough when you have to hang out with your significant other’s family all the time (like every weekend) and they involve themselves in all your personal biz, but in a royal family there are endless ceremonies and functions, and you’d always be pressured to uphold a certain social standard of appearance and behavior. No, it would just never work. I really have nothing to offer such a girl except a few months of immature, teenage style romance. She would eventually get bored and move on to a suitor of some nobility, who may actually have something going for him.
Ayla just isn’t my type at all. Sure, she’s blonde and athletic and has a bangin’ body, and some guys might view her as the 16-bit equivalent of Raquel Welch’s carnally objectifiable cavewoman character in One Million Years B.C. Ayla would probably produce strong offspring as well, but honestly, she’s dumb as a bag of hammers. It’s not her fault, of course. She comes from the prehistoric era. I just do not like dumb girls, even attractive ones. It’s a major turnoff for me. A lot of “trad” or reactionary type guys will tell you it doesn’t matter if a woman is intellectually smart or not, that she must only demonstrate capability in the role of being a good mother to your children. Depending on your perspective, that may sound nice, but one thing I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older is that most of your friends will slowly fade out of your life as they move away, get wrapped up in their own careers and start their own families. Eventually, your girlfriend/wife may be one of the few people you spend significant amounts of time talking to at all. Even if she doesn’t end up being the only person left for you to hang out with, you’re going to spend the majority of your life being around her, and if she’s stupid, it’s gonna suck.
Also, whereas Marle is youthful and feminine and well groomed (probably smells nice too,) Ayla is a lot rougher around the edges. As a cavewoman, her skin is probably rugged and prematurely aged from spending so much time in the sun chucking spears at wild beasts and collecting shiny rocks. I doubt she even shaves her legs. By the time she’s 30, her face and body will likely resemble an old worn out piece of leather. While Marle almost certainly has soft and meticulously pedicured petite feet, and hands that have never done a days’ work, Ayla’s feet are heavily calloused from running around barefoot in jungles and volcanos, and her toes would probably dig into you like talon claws. No, Ayla isn’t my bag. Maybe if you’re into the dominatrix type who’ll whip and bite you and step on your ball sac, or you have a thing for aggressive mud wrestling girls, and making primitive, animalistic love, then Ayla might be right up your alley.
I’ve never felt any physical or romantic inclinations toward Lucca either. Granted, she’s highly intelligent, but she doesn’t seem to have much in the way of fashion sense or sex appeal. She looks like a female version of Waldo from Where’s Waldo? Maybe she just needs a Jenny Jones makeover. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Lucca gives off a full-on lesbo vibe, she just doesn’t seem to have any interest in romance or love at all, though she does display a sensitive side. She reminds me of the kind of girl I would try to copy lab notes from in Biology. Maybe I could like her if I gave her a chance. I don’t know. She’s a nice person, too good for me probably.
Speaking of too good, there’s Schala from the archaefuturistic enlightened age of 12000BC. What a raving beauty. Wow just wow. I mean really. Her style is a mix of enchanting elegance and tasteful hipsterdom. She’s kind, cerebral and highly advanced both intellectually and spiritually, to the point where’s she’s capable of performing magic. Schala is that gorgeous, one-in-a -thousand blue haired sorceress that isn’t a mentally ill Tumblr whale. Schala is so beautiful. Even her theme song is enamoring. When I think of Schala, I already start imagining what it would like if we had a baby together, and whether its hair would be blue when the infant popped out of the womb. Schala is that 10k follower e-girl you reply to sincerely and some generic anon chimes in with “She’s not gonna fuck you dude.” In this particular instance, they’d be right. Schala isn’t a mere eartbound “e-girl” though. She has ascended. I don’t bother getting too emotionally invested in pursuing Schala because I know I have no chance.
Other than Marle, Fiona is probably the only girl I could really fall for and consider myself to be reasonably compatible with. She’s in tune with nature, sensitive, and passionate, a proud Aryan woman determined to revive the forest. She dresses in modest garb and has beautiful, naturally blonde hair. She manages to be the prettiest girl in the greater Dorino/Porre area without even trying. Fiona has never taken her beauty cues from horrible Instagram makeup tutorials, and it shows. In other words, she’s totally in my target demographic. I wish that she had a more prominent role in the game so that I could interact with her more. She’s definitely the type I’d want to have late night phone conversations with about the constellations, planning our lives together…even if there were no housephones in the middle ages. It’s an ambiance, a feeling. There’s just one major obstacle with Fiona, and it’s that she’s happily married. Her husband seems like a great guy, and she seems to be in love with him, so I don’t really see things going too far. Still, I often dream of settling down in 600AD and starting a family with Fiona in her desert villa, as we plant seeds together and restore hope for the future.
Some miscellaneous notable mentions:
Queen Zeal, who seems like megalomaniacal, self centered bitch. I don’t think she’s necessarily a bad ruler, it’s just that those aren’t the character traits I’m looking for in a woman I’m dating. I bet Zeal could turn some heads before the power went to hers. Then there’s Queen Leene from 600AD. Being that she’s Marle’s ancestor, the resemblance is uncanny. Leene is a classy and beautiful lady. I’m pretty sure King Guardia XXI has that locked down though.
And how can I go without mentioning Flea, the flamboyant crossdresser/transwoman villain with a penchant for snappy witticisms? I’m not really into that sort of thing, personally, but after writing an essay like this, I’m not exactly in the best position to judge anyone else’s lifestyle.